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 Do
you know why I talk to myself?
By Chuck Gallozzi
Why do I talk to myself? It’s the only way I can guarantee the
conversation will be intelligent!
When others join in, I often sprinkle the conversation with
quotations from myself because everyone appreciates the wisdom I
have to share. My detractors, however, claim that I don’t hold a
conversation at all. Instead, they say, all I do is deliver a
monologue in front of witnesses.
Do you know what I find irritating? Waiting for the others to shut
up. Fran Lebowitz was right when she wrote, "The opposite of talking
isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting." Her comment is
as well written as if I had written it myself.
Does my arrogance disgust you? I’m just trying to point out how
rudely we often behave during conversations. For example, we may
find waiting for our turn to speak unbearable, so we interrupt. Why
are we so eager to speak? Because we want to display how wonderful
or knowledgeable we are, instead of trying to discover the treasure
hidden in our companion’s heart.
But if we pause to reflect, we will probably agree with Sa’di, the
Persian poet, who wrote in 1258, "Whoever interrupts the
conversation of others to make a display of his fund of knowledge,
makes notorious his own stock of ignorance."
We can all benefit from civility in conversation. So, besides
interrupting, here are a few other guidelines to consider.
It’s fine to hold a conversation, but let go of it now and then.
Give your companion a chance to speak.
And when you do so, build on what they’re saying, rather than trying
to tear it down.
The time to stop talking is when your companion starts nodding in
agreement, but says nothing.
Never say anything that everyone would wish was left unsaid.
Did you ever notice the weaker the argument, the louder the voice?
When trying to make a point, don’t raise your voice, but elevate
your logic.
And if your friend gives an opinion without supporting it with
facts, don’t try to challenge it, but welcome it. You see, we learn
about our friends not by the facts they state, but by the opinions
they share.
Never live by the rule that "conversation is when three people are
speaking and gossip is when one of them leaves."
Consider what the English poet, Lord Greville, wrote, "Our
companions please us less from the charms we find in their
conversation, than from those they find in ours." What is true for
us is also true for them, so make an extra effort to delight in the
words your companions are expressing.
In our day-to-day activities, we usually engage in four types of
conversations.
The first is informational. That is, we try to share or get
information, such as in the classroom, workplace, or doctor’s
office.
The second is emotive. The purpose of this type of communication is
to stir emotions instead of appealing to reason. The clergy,
politicians, and activists are masters of this.
The third type I’ll call persuasive, but linguists call it conative
(this is not a misspelling of "cognitive," but an obscure term or
jargon used by linguists). This type of communication is to make
people do something. It is used by parents, supervisors, and police
officers. Examples would be: Johnny, clean your room! I need you to
do overtime today. May I see your license?
The fourth type of communication is what we normally think of as
conversation; it is called social (linguists call it phatic). In
social (or phatic) conversation, the meaning lies more in the
demeanor, body language, and facial expressions than in the words.
The purpose is not so much to share thoughts as it is to share time,
not so much to converse with our minds as it is to speak with our
hearts.
Why bring up the different types of communication? Because an
understanding of the subject can help to end misunderstanding, which
can lead to conflict. For example, it’s important to know whether
what your boss just said was an order (conative) or a suggestion
(informational). Communication becomes even more difficult when we
mix cultures.
For instance, when living in Japan, whenever my neighbor would see
me leave the house, he would ask, "Where are you going?" When I told
him where I was going, he was always surprised by my candor. It took
me a couple of months to learn that the question, "Where are you
going?" was not informational, but social (phatic). He didn’t want
to know where I was going; he just wanted to be social. I finally
learned that when you’re asked where you’re going, you should reply,
"Just over there . . .(Chotto asoko e.)" When you do so, both the
question and answer match. That is, they are both social (phatic)
statements. So, what you are really saying to each other is, "Hi,
I’m your friend!"
One of the biggest reasons for conflict arising from
miscommunication is the ridiculous demand for "mind reading."
Actually, rather than miscommunication, it is a case of lack of
communication. In other words, a spouse or close friend may become
angry because you have not done something they did not ask you to
do! Rather than ask you, they expect you to "read their mind."
"After all," so the argument goes, "if you really loved me, you
would know what I want you to do." The key to eliminating much
suffering in the world is to say what is on our mind, instead of
expecting others to read it.
It is true that after time, married couples can anticipate what
their mate is about to say before they say it. But we only reach
this point by beginning the relationship assuming the opposite is
true. By first revealing what we hope for and asking our mate to do
the same, we slowly arrive at the point where it is no longer
necessary to do so.
There are enough snide comments, malicious remarks, and hurtful
barbs to go around. Why not ennoble ourselves and help make the
world a little more pleasant? We can do this by taking advantage of
the opportunities provided by conversation. We can use conversation
to bond with and nurture our friends. Our words can reveal their
importance in our lives, as well as express our love, respect, and
understanding.
Instead of displaying our own eloquence, let’s try to draw out the
opinions, hopes, and ideas of our companions. Let’s seek to know
rather than be known. Let’s also communicate by what we are instead
of by what we say. And let’s listen carefully to what isn’t being
said. Use feedback to eliminate misunderstanding. Get clarification
and verification before moving on to another subject. And never let
it be said of you, as George Bernard Shaw said of another, "She has
lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of
speech."
Chuck Gallozzi
Visit http://www.personal-development.com/chuck
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