|
 How To Help A Friend Asking For Advice
By Chuck Gallozzi
People and problems seem to go together. For example, someone you
know may be having family, marital, or relationship problems.
Perhaps a friend has lost a job and is struggling to make ends meet.
Or an acquaintance may be trying to cope with physical or mental
illness, pain, or loneliness. People with problems often ask friends
for advice. Did you ever have someone ask you for advice and then
ignore it? Worse yet, did a friend ask for your honest opinion and
get angry when you gave it? At one time or another, most of us have
had such an experience and become confused by it. What is the proper
way to act when someone asks us for advice?
Before I answer
that question, let me make an introductory comment by stating NEVER
give advice when it isn't asked for. For as John Gray wrote, "To
offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know
what to do, or that he can't do it on his own." So, when we give
advice that wasn't asked for, we are implying our friends are too
stupid to know what to do, or that we are superior and know more
than they do. If that's the way someone treated you, wouldn't you
get angry? Since we should treat others as we would like them to
treat us, it makes sense to never give advice that isn't asked for.
But what do we do when a friend asks us for advice? I recommend
the following steps:
1. Just listen. Allow your friend to get
their problem off their chest.
2. After listening, do not
offer advice, unless you are asked again.
3. Do not give YOUR
advice, but help your friends tap into their own inner wisdom and
rely on themselves. In other words, teach them how to fish, rather
than feeding them a fish, for they need to develop permanent skills
rather than get a temporary fix.
4. Once you have helped
them, do not remain attached to the outcome. If they do not follow
through and simply go back to their old ways, let it go. Trying to
rescue them would just be offering unsolicited advice. But if they
come back asking for advice again, repeat these four steps.
Do not worry if you don't know how to carry out step number 3
because I will give an example. However, before I do, I will outline
why we should not give OUR advice, but help our friends follow their
own. Next, to complete our understanding of the big picture, I will
outline why people ask for advice. After that I will give an example
of step three in action. Finally, I will end with concluding
remarks.
WHY
WE SHOULD NOT GIVE OUR ADVICE
1. Each of
us is different. What works for me may not work for my friend. We
cannot know others as well as they know themselves. So, the ideal
way to help others is to help them help themselves.
2. Often,
the best way to learn is by making mistakes. Our advice may prevent
a friend from gaining a valuable and unforgettable experience. More
than 2,000 years ago, the Roman poet Horace wrote, "A good scare is
worth more than good advice." Similarly, the American journalist
Gene Fowler (1890~1960) wrote, "I am glad that I paid so little
attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved
from some of my most valuable mistakes."
3. Wise men and
women don't need advice. Foolish people won't follow it. So, why
offer it?
4. If we cannot master ourselves, what makes us
think we can help others master themselves?
5. Our friend may
find our advice offensive, which may damage or end our friendship.
6. We may give the wrong advice and harm our friend.
7.
What better way to advise others than by our own good example? But
if we are a poor example, it will cancel out the very best advice.
And aren't we all, at times, a poor example?
8. The advice we
give may be something that we ourselves would not follow. Our friend
would then see through our insincerity and dismiss our advice.
9. We may not be qualified to give advice on the subject
troubling our friend.
10. There may be a conflict of
interest. If I stand to gain by the actions I recommend my friends
take, I should ask them to seek the help of someone else.
11.
When we tell others what to do (give our advice), we are effectively
saying that they are not good enough as they are. That is, they are
unacceptable and must change. This is a form of rejection and is
very painful.
WHY
PEOPLE ASK FOR ADVICE:
1. In most cases,
people asking for advice don't want advice. They just want to talk
about what's troubling them. They want to vent or get it off their
chest. Here is where friends can play an important role. Often, the
greatest gift we can give to others is a willing ear.
2. They
seek consolation. They want to be comforted. They want to know that
someone cares.
3. They seek validation. That is, they have
already made up their mind and want to be reassured by a friend
agreeing with their decision.
4. To build intimacy. Sharing
our fears, worries, and concerns brings us closer together. When we
share our fears, our friends feel comfortable sharing theirs.
5. To receive approval. They want to know, from you, that
despite their faults and weaknesses you accept them. This is an
important role of friendship because by accepting them, you help
them to accept themselves.
6. They don't know anywhere else
to turn. Because you are their last resource, your input is
critical. But you don't have to worry about what to say. Rather, you
just need to help them make up their own mind.
7.
Corroboration, confirmation, and clarification of facts. Sometimes a
friend is distracted by muddled thinking. They realize that two
heads are better than one, and are hoping that by discussing their
issue with you everything will clear up in their mind.
8.
Some people ask for advice to avoid responsibility. That is, if
something goes wrong, they now have someone to blame. ("You gave me
bad advice.")
9. They are smart enough to realize that none
of us are so stupid that we cannot help another, and none of us are
so clever that we will never need the help of another. So, when they
have a problem, they don't hesitate to ask for advice. Let's hope
that you and I fall into this category, if not always, at least most
of the time.
Now we are ready to learn how to help a friend
asking for advice. To start off, let me sum up and rephrase what I
said earlier.
Mainly, when asked for advice, never give your opinion. Rather, help
your friends to arrive at their own conclusions. The first way you
can do this is by following the example of Socrates, who forced his
students to think for themselves by asking them a series of
questions. This is an important principle. For when you TELL someone
what to do, they resist. After all, no one likes to be told what to
do. But when you ASK someone what steps they can take to resolve
their problem, it forces them to seek a solution and offers them a
plan they cannot argue with, for it is their own plan. The best way
to learn the principle is to see it applied in practice. So, here is
an example dialogue:
"Hi,
Tom, how are you today?"
"Not
very good."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm
feeling quite depressed."
"Would you like to talk about it?"
"My
girlfriend left me. I feel devastated!"
"I'm
sorry to hear that. Tell me what happened, if you don't mind."
"She
was seeing someone else behind my back. She betrayed me. Now she
left me for him."
"When did this happen?"
"Two
weeks ago."
"Is
there any chance for reconciliation?"
"I
wish there were. I love her. But she says our relationship is over
for good."
"Is
there anything that you can learn from this experience?"
"Yes. That you can't trust women!"
"Did
the same thing happen before with someone else?"
"No, this was my first serious relationship."
"So, you were betrayed by only one woman?"
"Yes, so far."
"This may sound like a silly question, but do you trust your mother
and sisters?"
"Yes, of course I do."
"What about the women you know at work; does any of them appear
trustworthy?"
"Yes, but they're all married."
"It
doesn't matter if they're married or not; I'm just trying to find
out whether women can be trusted."
"Well, some women can be trusted."
"What about men. Would you say some of them cheat on their
girlfriends?"
"Yes, I'm sure some of them do."
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're saying that some men
and women cheat, and some can be trusted."
"Yes, I agree with that."
"I
see. Let me change the subject for a moment. We'll get back to it
soon, but are there any things you don't like about your job?"
"Sure. I don't like the overtime I have to do, and I don't like the
stress."
"What do you like about your job?"
"I
like the salary and the opportunity to grow."
"Would you say that everything we experience in life, like your job,
has good and bad points?"
"I
guess so."
"Then, tell me two good things about you and your girlfriend
breaking up."
"Good things?"
"Yes."
"Well, I suppose now that I have free time, I can take some adult
education courses and better myself."
"Tell me another good thing."
"Well, it's possible that I may meet someone who is better than my
ex-girlfriend."
"If
that were to happen, how would you feel?"
"That would be exciting."
"Are
you getting excited about your future possibilities?"
"Yes, I am. But there's a lot I have to do before I can find a
better person."
"Tell me what you would have to do..."
(At
this point Tom is already planning what steps to take to solve his
problem.)
NOTE
1. At no time was Tom told what to do. He
did not get any advice.
2. By being asked a series of
questions, Tom was forced to think for himself.
3. Not only
was Tom allowed to vent, but he was guided to find his own solution.
A second way of helping friends who seek advice is by asking
them empowering questions. Empowering questions steer them toward a
solution. Here is a brief example to show how it works:
"I
understand your problem. Now, tell me, what are your options?
What can you do about it?"
(Friend gives
three options.)
"Since the more options we have, the greater the likelihood that we
will make a good decision, force yourself to come up with two more
things you can do."
(After thinking, friend comes
up with two more options.)
"Of
these five options, which would you say is the most workable?"
"I
don't know."
"Well, if someone were to remove all options but one, which one
would you want to remain?"
(After some
hesitancy, friend names an option.)
"If
you were to take that option, would it help?"
"Yes, it probably would."
"Which would you say would be more helpful, to take that option or
to do nothing?"
"To
take that option."
"Well, it looks like you've found something you can do to improve
your situation."
"Yes, I think so."
Finally, I will conclude
this article by asking George Bernard Shaw (1856~1950) to speak on
my behalf: "I'm not a teacher: only a fellow-traveler of whom you
asked the way. I pointed ahead -- ahead of myself as well as you."
About the author:
Chuck Gallozzi lived, studied, and worked in Japan for 15 years,
immersing himself in the wisdom of the Far East and graduated with
B.A. and M.A. degrees in Asian Studies. He joined Zig Ziglar, Brian
Tracy, and other experts to coauthor "101 Great Ways to
Improve Your Life" and also joined Dr. Wayne Dyer, and
others to coauthor, "Walking with the Wise for Overcoming
Obstacles." He is a Canadian writer, Certified NLP Practitioner,
Founder and Leader of the Positive Thinkers Group in Toronto,
speaker, seminar leader, and coach. His articles are published in
books, newsletters, magazines, and newspapers. He was interviewed on
CBC's "Steven and Chris Show," appearing nationally on Canadian TV.
Chuck is a catalyst for change who is dedicated to bringing out the
best in others.
http://www.personal-development.com/chuck
|